Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)
Just days ago, before the miscarriage, I wrote a blog about being a comforter. As we have received much comfort, we must freely give that which has been freely given to us by the Master Comforter. When we first saw the ultrasound and the evidence that there was no longer life within my womb, immediately I went into shock mode. It was as if some voice said, "FREEZE". And that I did. My heart stood still as if it had stopped beating all of a sudden. I felt dead.
This entire circumstance has and is one that I could never imagine unless I was in the midst of it. You do not really know until it is happening or has happened to you. It does not mean that you are hard hearted and without compassion when one is going through something you have never experienced. However, there is a depth created in those places of suffering that one cannot know unless you are personally walking through that valley.
The valley I have been walking is the valley of death through miscarriage. I have cried out to My God to show me what it is He wants to teach me about Himself through this. He has said to me over and over, "Be still and know that I am God." Okay Lord, I am frozen, I am paralyzed by this grief. Now what is it You want me to know about You?
He has been showing me many things about this turmoil and pain. I refuse to not talk about pain. Miscarriage seems to be such a "hush hush " topic. It is minimized by many because this life never passed through the birth canal and entered into this life. This child was never seen, therefore it is easy to brush it under and to "forget" . It was "only" a miscarriage.
I am here to say this experience has opened my eyes to a silent pain that I never knew existed. A mother knows when her body begins to change with the signs of life within her. This begins in the first weeks of conception. With me, I knew after 5 days that I was expecting. I felt dizzy and strange. I felt tired and queasy. I knew there was new life within me. I was over joyed!! The life flow of the little person was already a part of me and the eternal bond was there to stay.
My hope and prayer is that everything God is walking me through will be a blessing to others who will walk this valley also. I hope to be a vessel who God will offer many blankets of peace and comfort to others suffering this silent grief. I mentioned earlier that I had asked the Lord what He wanted to teach me. I am learning that He is not teaching me, He is training me. We can be taught many things, but there is a deeper level of knowing, of understanding, of living and breathing when we are trained. Training is when our hands are in it and we are doing it and experiencing it. Teaching is gaining knowledge that may only go so far as an intellectual understanding. Teaching leads one to think, but training guides one to feel. It is all about passion.
There are many things God is revealing to me through this season. One, I am realizing that I am not as in control of myself as I thought I was. When you are hurting with such an intense pain, it is as if you have been traumatized by a huge tidal wave that has crashed upon you. You are tumbling this way and that with deep sorrow, anger, numbness, confusion, fear, and on and on. I am not in control of myself and this has been a humbling revelation. One of the fruits of the spirit is self control. Should not I have self control if the spirit is within me? Why am I feeling out of control with my emotions? The Lord reminded me that He will allow these pains to reveal to us that there is never an end to our dependence on Him. Just when we get to a place where we think we are walking so close to Him and that we are fulfilled, He will remind us through adversity that the well of need that HE created will never be filled so much to the level that we have arrived to some spiritual accomplishment.
No I am not in control! Praise His faithful name. However, He is in control. Last Tuesday, after the D&C, my Dr. told my husband that I came to a little after the surgery. She told him that I opened my eyes and said, "GOD IS IN CONTROL!" I do not remember saying it as I was still affected by the anesthesia. I was encouraged to know that even though I have felt out of control, that there is rest and peace in the truth that HE IS IN CONTROL! The Hope of glory within is in control of me. I have not one thing to fear, for His love holds me close, so close to His breast as He constantly breathes everlasting grace into my soul without reserve. Shalom.
(My next few blogs will be about more things God has been speaking to me about waiting on Him, abiding in Him, His faithfulness to come to us in His manifest presence, and being thrust into His arms through pain and disappointment. Keep checking back if you would like to read about these things)
Many Blessings and thanks for reading the things I am sharing from my heart. I pray you are blessed and strengthened.